30 Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg was born in 1968 in St. Paul, Minnesota in the United States. He was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. He gave people like Steven Wright and Rodney Dangerfield a run for their money as one of the kings of the one-liner jokes. His comedy and on-stage persona gained him a cult following. He started his career as a stand-up comedian in the mid 1990s in Florida. He appeared on MTV’s Comikaze and shortly after that he had his big break when he appeared on the David Letterman Show in 1996. He appeared in 3 films, Los Enchiladas! (in 1999), Almost Famous (in 2000) and The Lords of Dogtown (in 2005). He also made appearances on TV shows like That 70’s Show, Dr. Katz Professional Therapist, Comedy Central Presents and Ed. Sadly, this very funny comedian was taken before his time. On March 30, 2005, Mitch Hedberg was found dead in a hotel room in Livingston, New Jersey in the United States. The medical examiner’s office reported that “multiple drug toxicity” in the form of a cocaine and heroin “speedball” was the official cause of his death. His death was announced official on the 1st of April 2005, causing some of his fans to think that it was an April Fool’s Joke. He was cremated. Jonathan Davis had interviewed him in the December 2001 edition of Penthouse. He was asked “If you could choose, how would you end your life?” His response was “First, I’d want to get famous, and then I’d overdose. If I overdosed at this stage in my career, I would be lucky if it made the back pages.”

Mitch Hedberg has been selected to be featured in the Funny Quotes section of the Humor category on Running Wolf’s Rant today. Here are 30 funny Mitch Hedberg quotes to brighten up your day:

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap”

“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly…”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.'”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable…”

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”

“If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.”

“I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.”

“I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM, and it said ‘Sorry, we’re closed.’ You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 AM, and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at 10 AM and say, ‘Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'”

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry,” so it died.”

“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”

“Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

“I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real f****’ big!”

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name ‘Kit-Kat’ imprinted into the chocolate…that robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory, ‘You owe me some letters!'”

“Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m f****’ angry. Germs do not go quietly.”

“If you’re watchin’ a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don’t follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-foward the parade.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”

“I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.”

“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said ‘Bullshit!'”

“I’m an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube.”

“If you have dentures, don’t use artificial sweetener, cause you’ll get a fake cavity.”

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

Hope you’ve found these quotes funny. Feel free to comment on this post if you’ve found other quotes by Mitch Hedberg. Feedback is appreciated and welcome on Running Wolf’s Rant. Also feel free to share this post with your friends on Twitter and Facebook. Watch this space for regular updates in the Funny Clips, Funny Pictures and Funny Quotes sections of the blog. You might also want to check out the daily updated Daily Babe and Daily Cool Photo sections here. A lot of the content features South African bits and pieces, so you might just find it interesting.

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Henno Kruger
Blogger, Desktop Activist, Twitter / Facebook Addict, Music Festival Addict, Avid lover of South African music, Founder and owner of Running Wolf's Rant and co-founder of SA Music Zone
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