Answers to your burning questions – Part 1
Over the last week or so I’ve received several burning questions from you guys. I finally decided to put down my pipe and took some time to answer some of them. I have to say that the response was bigger than I expected. It seems that many of you have burning questions that you just need to get answered…
Alan asked ‘Why is Kobus such a cock-womble? And no – “I’ll answer your fucking question later!” shite!’
Well, firstly, fuck you Alan. And to be honest, Kobus isn’t a cock womble. What the hell does that mean anyway? I’ve never even heard of a porno movie with such a title or a pornstar with a middle name like that either. What were you smoking when you made up that word? The fact is that my list of people who could be cock wombles is a very long one and I can tell you with certainty that Justin Bieber, Julius Malema, Sunette Bridges, the whole cast of Twilight, Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Honey Boo Boo, Nicky Minaj and Bruno Mars is definitely on that list, but Kobus isn’t – he might be a shit-stirrer from time to time, but he’s definitely not cock-womble…
Jojo asked ‘Which is your favourite Kardashian? I prefer Kim. Her baby North West is such a jewel to behold…’
Well, Jojo, I have to ask you, who the fuck are the Kardashians? I think you should not pay attention to people who call their babies “North West”. Chances are that they smoke way too much crack or they spent too much time with a meat grinder in the garage or they dropped a monkey wrench on their toes too much.
Steve asked ‘You sound like you might be trying too hard to be a doos and in succeeding by not succeeding. How about you prove your smarts first,why the fuck else would we consider your opinion? So tell me this without googling and in your own original words and please break it down with examples: Suppose there are twin brothers, one which always tells the truth and one which always lies. (So in this case they both know what is true and false, or as you put it, both are accurate in their knowledge.) What one yes-no question could you ask to either one of the brothers to figure out which one he is?’
Firstly, dear Steve.. fuck you. Just because you share a name with your idol, doesn’t mean you get to be as big a doos as he is. As for proving my smarts, without using Google. Fuck you. It’s not like you didn’t use Google or some source in procuring this absolutely enthralling question of yours, which of course, had our readers riveted to the screen.. I mean, how long did it take you to read up on it on that blog about abnormal psychology somewhere on the internet? Now, if you, Steve.. can prove to me that you were the person that thought up that little piece of philosophical bullshit then I will take my Glock 45 & shoot myself in the face. I’m old & I don’t have time to deal with young smart arses like yourself anyway.
Unless I get to shoot you in the face. That would entertain me for a while. Easily long enough to fill up my catheter. Then when it’s filled I would empty it on your dead, stupid, retard face. But you won’t be able to prove to me that you wrote that silly shit, because I know for a fact you didn’t You stole that question from R. Smullyan. And, unlike you my dear poes, I don’t plagiarise. I make up my own mind & questions. I am not trapped in your little world of pseudo-intellectual “oh, you think you are so smart, BUT consider this!” kak! Who the fuck speaks like that anyway? Poese! That’s who. Poese like you Steve. Every poes named Steve. (There are quite a lot of you fuckers) You are exactly like that Steve from the FNB adverts. One big pseudo-intellectual doos.
You are the type of cunt who bores young ladies at braai’s with your silly little riddles & magic tricks. You probably wear a suit to a braai don’t you? Even if you don’t, you’re still an unoriginal little fuck, who thought he could lure old Uncle Pete into a corner didn’t you? Here’s my advice to you Steve. Change your name. Then, put down your zol & stop plagiarising questions from the internet to make yourself seem smarter. Go travel the world. Smoke zol & talk to real people & make up your own mind. Also, don’t be such a doos. Only old people have that right. Like me. Fuck off & go play with yourself now.
@MeatYouThere on Twitter tweeted @rwrant: “We need to know why the chicken crossed the road., and how much did he weigh.”
In all of my life I’ve only seen a chicken cross the road once. Maybe he saw a hen that he wanted to share his coop with? Maybe he was going through a rebellious phase and he wanted to get away from his coop? Maybe Lady Gaga was standing next to road and she was scaring the shit out of him? Maybe Julius Malema wanted to cook him for dinner and he didn’t want to be inside the stomach of a dumbass?
Maybe he was practicing the new version of the funky chicken? The fact is that the chicken is probably smarter than all of us, that’s why he’s the only one who REALLY knows why he wanted to cross the road. As for his weight, he probably weighed less than 20 kg, because face it: chickens always weigh less than 20 kg, unless they really want to become part of the chicken nugget stock at McDonalds.
Well, there you have it. The more technologically savvy guys have finally shown me how to use Twitter, so now all of you can follow me via @AgonyUnclePete. You are welcome to tweet me questions to that account or leave comment on my page on this site.
If you have anything to say about my answers to these questions, feel free to comment. If you’ve enjoyed reading this, feel free to share this article with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. Like Henno Kruger says “Remember: Sharing is Caring”.