These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you´ve been drinking.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it´s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey´s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A:Face south & then turn 90 degrees.Contact us when you get here & we´ll send the rest of the directions.
Q:Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,which is…oh forget it.Sure,the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow,straight after the Koala Bear races.Come naked.
Q:Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A:No,WE don´t stink.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A:Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A:Only at Christmas.
Q:Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A:Not yet,but for you, we´ll import them.
Q:Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A:No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless,can be safely handled & make good pets.
Q:Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A:Yes,but you´ll have to learn it first.