Sex in Snorcity: The lowdown on crappy sex positions

Last year when I started contributing on Running Wolf’s Rant I was stoked as shit and couldn’t wait to get my first post up and live. My first and only post that is. I suck with schedules but go all-out when it comes to procrastinating.

When 2014 dawned I had this “New Year” cracker go off in my ass, just as all the other “Oh my God, I’m going to be so much better this year” suckers.

In my whole whoo-ha to make 2014 a better one I decided I’ll start with the most obvious of things. Sex. A good old fashioned (or not so good) “streepsessie” to get the New Year started.

Sex Cartoon

I had a look at a few sites and surveys done on women before hitting the keyboard on this one. Most of them agreed on what positions are most overrated and boring. In-between are a few positions which really just had me going “what the fuck!”

Let’s take a look at some of the most classic puffed up and just seriously kak sex positions.

Missionary: Yeah it’s easy, efficient and gets the job done, but does it really? If you are in the size category of “Under sized penis, oversized clit”, missionary is not going to cut it for your partner. You’re not going to hit the right spots and it’s not going to make you feel any bigger to your lady friend.

Rather try and use the “Coital alignment Technique”. It sounds like you are going to be doing something fucking gross with sheep involved, but you’re not. Promise. Similar to missionary, your shoulders should be further up and your body more to one side. Gently bend her legs about 45 degrees to “tilt her hips” which will ensure for more shaft pleasing. Alternatively pop a pillow under that pussy to make her shiver and shout.

69: This might seem like a win-win situation, but to be blunt not all girls are comfortable with their ass up in your face. Also, we’re on top, we have to focus on getting an A for that blowy, also we have to focus on not biting down on your shaft when you hit that really sweet spot on us! It’s hard.

We all love a good old tongue lashing.  It brings us closer to our religion, God, and to feeling possessed all at the same time. Take turns in giving and receiving for an exorcism worth remembering.

Worst Sex Positions

Doggy Style: Now, I see nothing wrong with this one, but according to the surveys I read some women said it’s ‘painful’. It kind of had me worried- what were those men packing in the pants department? They also said “it’s not intimate enough”, well shit. I say as long as you’re not ramming her like a pissed of moose high on the crack pipe, you’ll be just fine.  I have no problem having a wall as my view as long as you make it worth my while. Work in a little tug of the hair and a lil’ slap on the ass afterwards to seal the deal, and don’t forget to use that extra hand for a frontal stimulation…

Girl on Top: This one was also listed by “the ladies” as one of the ‘worst’. Something about insecurity, flabby stomachs and flabby boobs

Reverse Cowgirl: I’m not going to lie, not greatly fond of it either. Not everything always ‘fits’ like it should in reverse. Climax is harder, we get bored, and it just feels weird. It’s all about angles. Breaking your junk is a possibility here. We’ve all heard those stories, and to be perfectly honest I was part of a ‘junk breaking, almost bed shitting incident‘, it fucking hurts.  Rather bend her over in front of a mirror.

Now these weren’t as hectic as the ‘Angry Dragon’, ‘Donkey Punch’ or ‘Cleveland Steamer’ but if the ladies hate it then you should know.

The next few I loved purely because of ‘what the fuck!’

The “Hoppity”: If you want to avoid bruises and fractures try avoiding “The Hoppity”. Mr Hoppity refuses just to pelvis thrust. He’s the guy who wants to hop into each new push with his whole body, much like having sex with someone who is having a seizure.

The “Over Confident” Style: Confidence is key and yes, it gets you laid. Just standing there all Mr Bombastic is not going to end well, for either of you. The hands and mouth are not just there to praise the Lord…

The “Dancer”: Nothing tells a lady you’re open for business like an Elvis pelvis on the dance floor, but once you have her attention at home it’s time to stop dancing and get, well, you know… You’re not Patric Swayze, unless baby is hiding in the corner…

The “Finger From Far”: Pooters are scary; they are after all attached to some crazy ass ladies. Get in there and don’t be afraid to go down as well. If you haven’t seen one in a while I can understand your concern, but that’s really just on you son. Don’t freak her out and look like you’re poking something dead with a stick.

The “Wolverine”: This one can count as a double whammy. Dressing up is fine but be practical about it. No Freddy Krueger masks and claws as well as no ‘clawing’ in general. We are ladies, we have gentle parts. There’s a big difference between rough sex and literally feel like you’re being eaten by a wild animal…

And last but not least…

The “Mirror Image”: It might seem cute wrapping your necks around each other like two giraffes in heat but that’s about where it stops. Someone has to give and someone has to receive. Nothing is going to happen if both of you are in the exact same position doing the exact same thing.

Spice shit up and get the love making a rest. A New Year means your space for being ridiculous is wide open. If you enjoyed this, keep an eye out for more related articles by me and in the Opinion category on Running Wolf’s Rant in the future. For now, this is me saying no more missionary!

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Clownpooop

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  • Lisa

    wahahahaha I just pictured a guy with a Freddy Kruger mask wanting to make out with me 🙂

  • spiertier

    Daarsy narras,well done. Nou hoop ek nie hierdie is soos al die ander NYR en hou tot week twee in Januarie nie. Laat ons weer van jou hoor, of mag jy vasgevang word in ‘n web van missionary vir die res van die jaar!

    • Clownpooop

      Don’t you put that on me! Haha, ek sal. Ek belowe om elke week iets belaglik vir julle te bring.

  • I hope a “what woman actually love” feature is coming up, coz you just ripped apart my repertoire.
    I mean, what am I to do now that Mr Hoppity is no longer an option?
    Next you’ll be telling me that I should cut my nails and occasionally take a shower as well :p

    • Clownpooop

      Oeh daai is glad nie ‘n te kak idee nie 🙂 Haha, well Mnr De Beer, sommige vrouens hou van ‘n stort ‘n week jy weet…