When will we see the Twilight of 50 Shades of Kak?

We live in a time of excess. Food, clothing, media, books, magazines. Everything there is out to get you and unfortunately quality isn’t the order of the day anymore. Excellence has been replaced by those who have the financial means to power the marketing machine. This means that we lose. Quality is sacrificed for quantity by those who have the power to make us think that they know better.

What does this mean? It means that bored people now have the time to do shit they would never have been able to do in the past. A lonely housewife can now write an entire novel about her crappy sexual fantasies and sell it to the world as literature. An insecure pseudo-lesbian can turn her silly imaginings into a series of films that gross millions of dollars world wide and expect people to believe that she is as good a writer as Jane Austin was.

Do not get me wrong. There are men out there who write books, scripts and articles that are just as disgustingly horrible but they haven’t gotten as much attention in the past couple of years. I am a massive fan of good literature. I have no sexual preference when it comes to writers. I only have a problem with bad writing.

50 Shades of GreySo if you still haven’t realized what I’m ranting about, it is of course, Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. I was in the gym cycling this morning and browsing through the news as I normally do when I saw that that the cast for the film adaptation for 50 Shades had been announced. Do I have a problem with books being adapted for screen? No. Do I have a problem with absolute horse piss to be put on screen? Yes.

50 Shades of Fucking a Self-Loathing, Abusive, Piece of Shit will be just as bad as that series of movies about that retarded fairy who is dead and needs blood to survive, but doesn’t drink human blood, because he likes humans and is 400 years old or something yet acts like a 13 year old, then has a dead but alive baby with his teenage crush, who is also emotionally unstable, so she also turns into a vampire then the big emperor vampire (who I think is the Pope?) gets angry and even though they hate one another, the werewolves fight alongside the fairy’s girlfriend because the werewolf is so deep in the friend-zone that he might as well direct his hormonal teen-wolf angst at the Catholic Church and then there is a big fight in a forest and oh, of course I forgot.. NO ONE WITH AN IQ WORTH MENTIONING GIVES A SHIT!

But to get back to 50 Shade of Grey. Here is my review, and I can promise you the film will not be much different so it will still be applicable when that horrible waste of cinematic reel is released..

jk-rowlings-on-50-shades-of-grey50 shades of Grey is terrible. The writing terrible. The characters are hollow and unoriginal. Which is maybe why so many people can draw associations to these literary excuses for cutting down trees. Christian Grey isn’t a good person. He has a big schlong, good looks and money but so what? Ana Steele is a naive woman who thinks that if she lets a man do to her whatever he wants, when he wants she will eventually be able to shine a light on his emotional side which is covered by a darkness caused by years of internal turmoil and probably a dad who touched him in his naughty place, or “down there” as the the book states..

The plot is extremely thin and yet what bothers me the most is that there is still a plot! The core message of these books are that given enough time you can change someone. Even if they are basically a worthless, abusive, piece of shit, who is only occasionally loving, yet insists on ripping out your tampon to have sex with you.. (Yes, ladies, it is in the book.. I know, I read it.. I had to.. I almost blinded myself, but I had to.. You don’t write a review one something you haven’t read..) Not only does this terrible account of a lonely woman’s longings insist on trying to give form to hollow characters and a thin story, the author, E.L. James also tries to do so with questionable themes. She might not have realized this at the time, but she did. Now you might ask me.. “Kobus, what then is the central theme of this book/series?” The answer my friends, is rape. Abuse comes in hot on rape’s heels at number two.

Are these really the themes that we want authors to show us in a positive light? Should women be encouraged to sustain abusive relationships because of the possibility that a man might change his ways for them? Should we postulate a sense of submissiveness to men? The answer is of course, a resounding no. If you think otherwise, you might have to take a look at your self-worth.. I ask myself, “When will all this end?”, “When will people realize that they are reading and watching pseudo-intellectual horse poop?” The answer is “Not soon” (unfortunately).

But there is something we can do. Say no. Don’t fall into the trap of the marketing machine. Go back and teach your kids what real literature is. If they ask for a book on fairies, elves, dwarves and dragons, give them The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings to read. If they want vampires, sex and gore refer them to Anne Rice. If they want to experience real angst and horror prop a Stephen King novel in their hands. There are so many great authors out there. Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Terry Brooks and these are but a few of the modern ones. You still have the great masters of the past centuries left. Shakespeare, Fitzgerald, Austin etc. – There is no excuse.

Now go forth and burn a copy of that horrible book I was ranting about.

Do you agree or disagree with me? Leave a comment and let me know. Feedback is appreciated and welcome on Running Wolf’s Rant. Also watch this space for regular updates in the Opinion category.

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Kobus Van Rooyen

Kobus Van Rooyen

Band Booking Agent, Tour Manager / Roadside Philosopher & Free Thinker.

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  • All hail King Kobus. Could not have put it better myself. Dude if you start a cult let me know. I’ll totally join.

    • Kobus van Rooyen

      Thanks Nadine! Maybe one day! : ) Until that day I’ll just keep on ranting about stupid things & idiots doing stupid things.

      • It’s kind of like having a virtual soulmate. Which is essential to happy living. although – the reason we need virtual soulmates is because the bloody internet keeps showing us all the idiots. It’s a lot to take. *sigh*

        • Kobus van Rooyen

          Indeed it is! I usually find 1 or 2 people who I relate to when writing a piece & then reading the comments. 99% of the time I just get assaulted by online retards & their severe inaptitude & lack of reasoning. But there is always hope!

  • Henry

    Luckily we burnt ours before we even unwrapped the set. Movie = definite pass. Still n love with L.O.T.R. Series and Kings books. We as humans are circling the drain fast.

    • Why did you get the set in the first place then? Weird…

    • Kobus van Rooyen

      Well as long we have people like you Henry there is still hope!

  • Lindsey van Heerden

    Jane Aust-e-n, Kobus. Agree with you 50 Shades of absolutely dismal, unadulterated kak. Harry Potter wasn’t that hot either. I’m not really one for bestsellers. The same with Art. People churn it out to make money. They find a trick or formula and next thing you know, Joe Bloggs, who can’t even draw, is cruising in the Caribbean …

    • Kobus van Rooyen

      I apologize sincerely Lindsey. My crack team of copywriters & editors have all been replaced with people who can spell “Austen’ correctly. : )

  • Alan

    Bloody hell – yet another part-generation of women who are going to be fucked in the head – all because idiot got published. Poor men – well I guess luckily cougars are the in thing and loads of horny older women like a bit of younger (legal) man!

    Reading shit like you talk about – I really can’t bring myself to mention them AGAIN – is much the same as saying High Rollers (SA TV) is great televison – or that The Sun (newspaper) is great journalism! There are LOADS of fantastic reads available – and talking of current women writers – Stella Gemmel, wife of David Gemmel. She, in my opinion, is even better than he is – and he was (he’s dead) seriously good – read his ‘Rome’ trilogy – Stella helped complete the series. As for other good reads – Robert Jordan – The Wheel of TIme (14 books!), Brandon Sanderson (Mistborn Series) – he finished the last three Wheel of Time books after Robert Jordan died. If you are feeling really brave and are after a little more academic type stuff – Ayn Rand is always good, as is Ismail Kadare … now off you go – time to head to the toilet – a decent place to read – something good – and while you’re at it – you can rip up one of those shoddy book – to wipe your arse …

    • Totally hear what you are saying, but I don’t think the problem is that people are not reading good literature…I think the problem is that they don’t understand it. That sounds horrifically condescending on my part, but what I have found in my rants and observations of Fifty Shades is that my understanding of it and the average understanding of it are kind of different. Where I am going “did they forget to edit this novel?” most people don’t notice things like over-repetition or grammatical errors (The Hunger Games was another set of novels full of errors – no one but me seems to have noticed this) and then on top of the fact that it’s kind of shoddily written and completely one dimensional (never mind cliche for heavens sake!) the female in me is cringing and getting angry. But then again…I don’t believe in unconditional love. I don’t think it is a norm to aspire to. I think that there are lines and when you cross them love starts to fade. Jaded perhaps, but at least I won’t ever put up with a man hurting or humiliating me…and then go back because I “love him unconditionally” – ok then. Now before someone freaks out and preaches forgiveness – that’s not what I am saying. I love my husband. He loves me. Awesome. I honour that love by treating him fairly…and apologizing on those occasions when I don’t. He does the same for me. We do not treat each other as objects. We do not make each other do things we are uncomfortable with. I do not try and change my basic nature for him (ie – find it in myself to enjoy a good beating once in a while because “I love him”) and he is himself with me. The psychological ramifications of this book make me sick. But at the end of the day? It’s an easy read that demands nothing of you IQ and it is filled with a lot of wild sex in it. I don’t think too many people actually noticed any of the rest of it.

  • Kobus van Rooyen

    Brilliant Alan! Loved Gemmel’s works. His wife is, as you say, also a very prolific writer. Gemmel awoke my love for Norse mythology with his book Legend & has inspired me a great deal throughout my life.