Today my friend Henno Kruger shared an article entitled “10 things a woman should never say to a man” (which was posted on the Sowetan Live website) on his Facebook profile. What I read in this article prompted me to write a response, because that’s what opinionated people often do. So here goes:

When it comes to relationships women are not so perfect either. Foot in mouth disease can strike at any minute with serious repercussions. So to avoid such occurrences, here are a few tips. Never tell a man:

1. “Man up”: You are basically calling him a sissy and no man wants to hear that. He is the head of the household traditionally, so emasculating him with such words will not earn you any points

If the words “Man Up” upsets you so much, then the words “Man up” are exactly suited to be said to you. No self respecting man who has confidence in himself and his capabilities will be offended my such a statement. If you are being a sissy, then the person you love should be able to tell you you are being a sissy, remind you of the strong man you are and that you should stop your shit. SO HARDEN THE FUCK UP CUPCAKE.

2. “We need to talk”: Sirens go off and panic buttons get pressed when men hear these words. For them, ‘we need to talk’ means ‘you are in deep k*k’.

With this I agree, society and movies and magazine articles have made this phrase one to be feared, even if the subject of the necessary conversation is “we should eat more healthily because we are both getting fat”.

3. “Size doesn’t matter.”: If it didn’t matter to you, you wouldn’t bring up the subject. After all you know what they say: “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean”

To some the size matters, to some the motion is the most important. I have tried and tested both arguments and I agree with the motion of the ocean. This statement should not be taking away from your manhood though. You were born what you were born with and if you were not in front of the queue when 30 cm penises were handed out, take this as a challenge and give your lady the best pleasure of her life and afterwards stick your fist in the air (Breakfast Club-style), and know that you are the man and you have taken one for all in the small-penis team.

4. “Do I look fat in this?: Don’t ask this question unless you are ready for the brutally honest answer you will get. If you think you look fat in something, you probably do. So just choose another item of clothing instead of picking fights.

I’m agreeing with this. Ladies! Stop asking this question. No more comment about this.

5. “Never mind. I’ll do it myself.”: So you ask him to do something and as usual he takes his sweet all time to get it done. Losing your temper is not the solution. Your man wants to feel needed. Ask him again and maybe add a little incentive to encourage him. Eg. “I’ll give you a back rub if you….”

If you are saying “Never mind I’ll do it myself” the chances are you have had to ask 15 times and you are now fed up. A man wants to feel needed? Well guess what, if he does not do anything, and you end up doing it yourself, then HE IS NOT NEEDED, and him not feeling needed is his own doing because HE NEVER DOES WHAT HE IS NEEDED TO DO.

Plus, this makes men sound like pathetic little wimps, being needed and all. There is nothing less attractive than a pansy man. Also, if a relationship is a constant bargaining situation of “if you…then i will..” then nothing is done out of love and respect for one another. It is done because “What can i get out of it” Selfish Much? Shoot me if I’m a hopeless romantic, but this is not what love is about.

6. “I can’t live without you”: Can you say ‘clingy’? A man wants a strong and independent woman by his side and saying such words in a new relationship will make a man run in the opposite direction.

Okay, so let me get this straight… A man needs to feel needed but you can’t tell him that he is needed and that you need him in your life? What a contradiction. Enough said. Shut up, please.

7. “I’m not your mother”: Oh no you didn’t! Men love their mothers so saying anything bad about her will get you on his wrong side. So steer clear of the ‘m’ word.

Yes, we are not your mothers, but based on the tips already mentioned, men can not be told to man up, they need to be told they have big penises (even if they don’t), they need to feel needed but you cant tell them they are an essential person in YOUR life. Sorry boys, but those things make me feel like I’m your friggin’ mommy… Isn’t that what mommies do? Tell their little boys that they are big and strong and amazing? That’s why we flip sometimes and scream “I am not your mother!”

8. “Nothing’s wrong”: Who are you trying to fool? Of course something is wrong, just tell him instead of playing mind games.

Agreed, if something’s wrong, say it ladies. don’t be a pansy. You were given a mouth, speak. No one likes mind games, just ask Hugh Heffner or Elizabeth Taylor…

9. “Your friend is so charming”: Why are you looking at his friends like that? They are his friends and your relationship with them must just remain cordial.

Okay, so we are not allowed to tell you you have great friends? What if we told you we hate all your friends? That wouldn’t sit well with you either. And here I was thinking getting along with your man’s friends means brownie points? Man oh man, apparently I was so wrong…

10. I paid for it, it’s my money: Yes, you earn more in the relationship and you buy most of the things in the house but why use that to make your man feel small? A relationship should be a partnership so discuss things with him even small purchases, don’t make him feel like a useless ‘rabaki’.

I can’t even. First of all, you want to feel needed and you can’t be told to harden the fuck up. Then, you don’t want to feel needed at all because we can’t say “I can’t live without you”. Make up your mind! So, here we go and feed our shopping addictions with our own money because we are not allowed to need you, but still need you to feel needed. What the fuck? This makes no sense. And that’s a problem too?

Stop being so self involved that you think that us shopping with our own money (cause we can’t need yours) is us purposefully trying to make you feel small. We are literally just shopping with our own money because we are independent and we don’t need you. Exactly what you said you wanted hey. Also, if your girl is buying most of the things in the house, then you better be making sweet sweet love to her and rocking her world every single night.

You also need to take it when she screams that she is not you mother because she is looking after you like she is your mother. You had better be doing stuff, changing light bulbs and fixing things around the house, the things she bought to make the home you are living in better, because you obviously can’t look after yourself.

Okay, rant over. If you have any thoughts about the “10 things a woman should never say to a man” article, feel free to comment on this article and let me know what your thoughts are about this. Feedback is appreciated and welcome here. If you’ve enjoyed reading my opinions about this, feel free to share this article with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. Remember: Sharing is Caring.

Watch this space for regular updates in the Opinion category on Running Wolf’s Rant.