30 Funny Barney Stinson Quotes

If you don’t know who Barney Stinson is you might have been living under a rock. Well, for those of you who did not know, Barney Stinson is a fictional character created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for the television series How I Met Your Mother. He is played by Neil Patrick Harris (who audiences might remember from the Doogie Howser M.D. series from the 1980s). Barney Stinson is in his early thirties. He almost always wears a suit, likes women with daddy issues and he is always willing to offer his opinion on a constant basis in How I Met Your Mother. He is probably one of the funniest and most-loved characters in this history of television (in my humble opinion).

Since today is Monday (and Monday has never been my favorite day of the week) I thought I’d cheer you folks up a bit. I’m sure that there are plenty of folks reading this post and following @rwrant and me (@hennokruger) on Twitter who feel exactly the same way. The intention of this post is to cheer you up a little and remind you not to take life too seriously.

Here are 30 quotes from Barney Stinson:

• “Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool”
• “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is!”
• “Look, our forefathers died for the “pursuit of happiness,” okay? Not for the “sit around and wait of happiness.” Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.”
• “There are only two reasons to date a girl you’ve already dated. Breast. Implants.”
• “One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?”
• “Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It’s like the universe was saying, ‘Hey Barney, there’s this dude, he’s pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome'”
• “Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you’re going to start searching for ‘The One’ again. The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth.'”
• “Attention, Canada! My name is Barney Stinson, and your country needs to A, get better money, it’s like you want us to make fun of you; and B, stop letting women like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because she is going back to America, where I plan to plant my flag on her, if you know what I mean, and you probably don’t.”
• “Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.”
• “The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, ‘Attention, unguarded teens! At 3:00 I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire.'”
• “A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal’. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [Pauses] I should give her a call”
• “Canadian porn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn’t cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I’ll go *oot* of my mind. “
• “There’s only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a big, yellow bird lives on it. “
• “Because the belt is my birthright. You can’t ride the tricycle before me. It’s like Jimmy Olsen beating Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently in his bed. “
• “There are only three things I would fight: the stubborn clasp of a bra, a paternity suit – nine for ten…..and the urge to vomit whenever I see someone wear brown shoes with a black suit.”
• “Okay, I can do this… I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged… and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who’s up for a threeway? “
• “That is the Dominator 8000. The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.”
• “I can’t believe I’m taking sex advice from Ted Mosby. It’s like taking fashion advice from, well, Ted Mosby.”
• “Unfair? I would not let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms!”
• “I won! I now have a magic phone that never stops ringing. And who’s usually at the other end? A hot chick. The number of women who want me is now infinity!”
• “You poor thing. Having to grow up in Canada, with America right there.”
• “Hello, Ted. If you’re watching this tape – and I knew that you would – It means you have my porn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I’m dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate “Weekend at Bernie’s”. I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I’m in a relationship, then for the love of God… get me out of it!”
• “Curiosity. As in what would it be like to do it with a really tall girl. Not a big girl, a tall girl. Like if a normal girl were seven, seven-and-a-half feet tall, and had a very short denim skirt, I would have to know what that was like.”
• “Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?”
• “For the first time, ever, the three of us are single at the same time. I’ve dreamed about this day, boys, and it’s going to be *legendary*. Together, we will own this city. Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, we’ll be there. Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking, *we will be* there. Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting, “What’s up, New York,” *we* will be what is up New York.”
• ” I only smoke on certain occasions: post-coital, when I’m with Germans – sometimes the two overlap – coital, that time of year the Mets are mathematically eliminated, pre-coital, and – wait for it, ’cause I sure have – pregnancy scares.”
• ” I was on my way to the Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, no rejections. “
• “What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs… Actually, I do see it. “
• “You know what I love about Halloween? It’s the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she’s a slutty witch. If she’s a cat, she’s a slutty cat. If she’s a nurse… “
• “Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asian chicks? Well, now I’ve got a new thing. Lebanese chicks. Lebanese chicks are the new half-Asians.”