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30 Funny Steven Wright Quotes


Steven Wright was born in 1955 in Cambridge, Massachusetts in the United States. This stand-up comedian is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations.

Over the years he’s released 1 comedy album (entitled I Have a Pony) and 5 DVDs. His most recent DVD was released in 2007 and is entitled I still Have a Pony. Steven Wright has also appeared in various films over the years including So I Married an Axe Murderer (in 1993), Natural Born Killers (in 1994), Canadian Bacon (in 1995) and Half Baked (in 1998). He was also the voice of K-Billy DJ in the 1992 film Reservoir Dogs. He’s definately one of the kings of One-liner jokes (the other being the late Rodney Dangerfield). I must admit that some folks will think that his humor is a bit dry, but it’s an acquired taste in my opinion.

Here are 30 Funny Quotes from Steven Wright:

  • “I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”
  • “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
  • “George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.”
  • “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
  • “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
  • “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
  • “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”
  • “Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!'”
  • “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
  • “The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”
  • “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
  • “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”
  • “My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”
  • “Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
  • “If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? “
  • “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”
  • “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
  • “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
  • “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
  • “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”
  • “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”
  • “I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.'”
  • “I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
  • “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
  • “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”
  • “I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”
  • “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
  • “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”
  • “I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
  • “I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”

There you have it. I hope you’ve found these humorous and that it’s brightened up your day (or at least that these funny quotes have put a smile on your face). If you have not seen or heard Steven Wright, this video from 2009 on the David Letterman show will give you an idea:

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