It’s the year 2021 and I have a question. Why the hell is Reality TV still a thing? I don’t watch it so I really don’t understand why television networks keep on renewing shows like The Bachelor, The Amazing Race, Survivor & Keeping Up With The Kardashians (thank goodness that has been cancelled).

A little bird also told me that they’re going to bring back Jersey Shore in the near future as well. Point is, all of these shows are staged (in most cases) and fucking retarded. So why the hell do people watch them?

Point is, there’s NOTHING real about Reality TV. I don’t care what you say, if you point a camera at someone, they’re going to fucking act, over-act, pretend, juggle, pick their nose, flutter their eyebrows, wink, fart or do something else that will get people to notice them. They’re NOT going to react like they normally do in a situation because they want attention and they want to become popular.

Walking outside and breathing air in and out of your lungs and experiencing your surroundings with your whole being is fucking real. Drinking with your friends in a bar is real. Having a picnic with your girlfriend is real. Point is, you should not be experiencing someone else’s conjured up reality, you should be experiencing your own life and enjoying it. Life is all about experiences.

I’m pretty sure that many of you reading this post don’t watch Reality TV, but there might be a few of you who still do.

Here’s a list of 52 things you can do instead of watching reality TV shows:

1. Pull your toenails out, one by one.

2. Believe everything ANY politician tells you.

3. Play free slot machine games.

4. Listen to every Justin Bieber, Bruno Mars, Drake & Kanye West song that has ever been recorded.

5. Try singing along to an Eminem song.

6. Watch a film directed by Woody Allen.

7. Watch Nicholas Cage over-act.

8. Take part in a Black Friday door rush at a Game / Makro store.

9. Walk through Hillbrow or Sunnyside flashing wads of cash around.

10. Watch me tie my shoes.

11. Watch paint dry.

12. Watch a SA Parliamentary session without laughing.

13. Find a lion you can teach how to dance.

14. Book yourself into hospital.

15. Stalk a hippo in the wild.

16. Vote for the ANC.

17. Test a shark-diving suit.

18. Drink flat beer.

19. Light matchsticks in your urethra.

20. Pluck your leg hairs out one by one.

21. Breathe.

22. Eat haggis.

23. Dig your nails out with a rusted spoon.

24. Circumcise yourself, right from the hilt.

25. Drink your own pee.

26. Play free penny slots.

27. Practise an instrument.

28. Get politically re-educated.

29. Read a blog post (like this one) about what people would rather be doing.

30. Judge people who judge people about watching reality shows.

31. Play ‘who will win this argument’ with your girlfriend / boyfriend.

32. Get stabbed.

33. Slit your wrists with a plastic spoon.

34. Be the bra / chick stirring the pot and sitting in the background on a reality show watching your puppets dance.

35. Get both your knee caps destroyed, be it quickly or slowly.

36. Eat pineapple on pizza.

37. Mow the lawn.

38. Scrub the toilet.

39. Learn Latin.

40. Visit your family.

41. Change your kid’s stinky diaper.

42. Have a root canal procedure.

43. Visit your in-laws.

44. Clean a taxi rank.

45. Use a public toilet.

46. Do an oil change on a Beetle.

47. Count the dots on a Smarties pack.

48. Clean your sinuses.

49. Go watch a Stormers practice session.

50. Volunteer to babysit six toddlers.

51. Watch re-runs of Murder She Wrote.

52. Watch re-runs of Barney The Dinosaur.

53. Watch re-runs of Teletubbies.

54. Bring the moonbag back from its grave in the 1990s.

Take note that this is NOT a call to do yourself bodily harm. The easiest thing you can do is just change the channel. Don’t get sucked into Reality TV because it will rot your brain.

Watch this space for regular updates in the Humor category on Running Wolf’s Rant.