I have two sisters; a younger munchkin and an older very scary, but lovely one. Jip that’s right, I’m the one stuck in the middle which meant I was too little to be entertained by the older sister, and yet too old for the baby of the house. This wasn’t always bad though, I conjured up many fun ways of entertaining myself, like for instance this one time…
My oldest sister, who is very pretty of course (I mean, have you had a look at us?) had a long line of boys at our house each day. One day, there was a faggy looking fella with a braided rug sack and terribly kak smell (which I later realized was the good old green grass). Needless to say I did not want his sucky face to come even remotely close to my sisters’… He came for coffee and I waited it out to a decent hour for my fun to begin.
I put on my scared little girl face, quietly sneaked around the corner and with my softest, most terrified voice I called my sister to the side, making sure shit brains could hear what was being said and I proceed to say “Dad just got home and he’s really drunk again. He already klapped mom because she allowed this boy to come visit you and he’s busy loading the gun saying tonight is the night he’s making an example of all these horny boys… I’m scared”. We never saw shit brains again.
Which brings me to my next point… A very dear friend of mine has finally reached the age where he has become curious about girls, and dating. Something that started out as a joke with a potential candidate somehow turned into this post you are about to read. It made sense at the moment because if we, the friends, don’t like you we will end you faster than you can say yes.
I apologize beforehand if you are the sucker fool wasting your data reading this. My friend only has two hands- one for me and the other for the winning lady. Which you are most probably not!
Here are a few ‘guidelines’ for the charming winning lady to be. You might not be here long, so let’s make it fun:
1. Undoubtedly the most important memo to keep in mind is this: “Be ready to live raw and go to war with the law”. If this does not sit in your prissy little lady pants… Move Along Lady!
2. If you talk with foul words and drop the P-bomb, you may stay. Please dress nicely to cover your inner filth, and please stay away from the clown face paint. Also, you might want to try not smelling like the Whore of Babylon. Everyone is trying here. Thank you.
3. He needs to eat. Feed him. Fuck him, keep him happy. First time you cause him to be unhappy, it’s a strike against your name, in blood of something you loved.
4. Please ensure that you have, and can keep a job. He likes pretty things. Also, I am now taking “I LOVE her so much, she’s so sweet” bribes.
5. The only rubber he will be worried about is the Pirellis burning out of your driveway if you have an unpleasant surprise for us, and I say us because cement is cheap and the ocean deep. Friends don’t let other friends go fishing alone. I will have no remorse for your silly soul.
6. He was raised well; he will not hit a lady, so behave like one and I will not have to hit you for him…
7. Don’t lie to me, or any of his other friends. I may be short and a bit last season but I will be your end. Ask around.
8. Don’t be clingy. Don’t even hold hands. We don’t want to see that shit, and don’t call him gay names. Anything more than nippledick is too much.
9. And always remember
You may go ahead and try your luck. We (the deciding party) will rate you. If it should happen that you do not meet our requirements we will take said friend out, get him as drunk as we see fit and encourage him to hook up with the next hot available girl. If that doesn’t work, we’ll get him a hooker. Best of luck.
What do you think of my guidelines? Leave a comment and let me know what you think. Feedback is appreciated and welcome here. If you’ve enjoyed my ramblings, feel free to share this article with your friends on Facebook and Twitter.
Watch this space for more posts in the Opinion category on Running Wolf’s Rant.