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30 Hilarious Erlich Bachman Quotes

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Erlich Bachman was one of my favourite characters on HBO’s Sillicon Valley. I’m super bummed that he’s part of the show anymore, but I thoroughly enjoyed his presence.

There are a couple of reasons why T.J. Miller (the actor that played him) is not part of the show anymore. I don’t want to get too much into it, but it sounds like he was burning himself out a bit. If that’s the case, I don’t blame him, one should never burn yourself out.

More info about Elrich Bachman

Elrich Bachman is a delusional incubator owner, a startup visionary-wannabe, a friend, a mentor, a pothead and a passionate advocate of causes. One could be asking oneself “is there anything that Erlich Bachman isn’t?”

One thing is for certain, he was definitely one of the funniest television characters and I think I should pay homage to him.

Here are 30 Hilarious Elrich Bachman quotes

1. “Let me explain something to you. Your whole life you’ve been an ugly chick but now suddenly you’re a hot chick, with big tits and small nipples. So guys like that are gonna keep coming around. Don’t be a slut, Richard.”

2. “Your muffins smell like shit and so do your ideas.”

3. “Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California.”

4. “One of you is one of the least attractive people I’ve ever met and I’m not going to say which one.”

5. “Shuttering a company in the tech world is almost a rite of passage, like herpes simplex one.”

Elrich Bachman
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6. “If they want to negotiate using hostility and rudeness, well, they picked the wrong guy.”

7. “What is that atrocity? What are we, an Irish pornography company?”

8. “There is a linear correlation between how intolerable I was and the valuation!”

9. “What I’m seeing is the human equivalent of a flaccid penis.”

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10. “Your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist. Don’t you?”

11. “We’re walking in there with three foot cocks covered in Elvis dust!”

12. “Our whole corporate culture is that we don’t have a corporate culture.”

13. “You just disappeared up your own asshole. You know that?”

14. “Change the lighting to something erotic, because it’s about to get pretty fucking erotic in here.”

15. “My head is so far up my own ass I can see the future.”

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16. “We’ll call you when we want pleated khakis.”

17. “I’ve always wanted to go to binding arbitration. Everybody who’s ever sued me has settled out of court… Pussies.”

18. “Your voice doesn’t really reach that register when you ejaculate, does it?”

19. “At least the actual Judas had the courtesy to kill himself after betraying his leader, Jesus Christ. He’s the CEO of the world. Ever heard of him?”

20. “You just brought piss to a shit fight!”

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21. “If this company is a plane, then this is Richard’s goddamn plane, and if he wants to fly it in the side of a fucking mountain, that is his prerogative and it is our duty to climb on, strap in and have a fiery death right behind him.”

22. “Today’s user wants access to all their files, from all of their devices, instantly. That’s why cloud-based is the Holy Grail. Now Dropbox is winning. But when it comes to audio and video files, they might as well be called Dripbox.”

23. “We are going to win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.”

24. “No, no, no. Richard, Richard, Richard, Richard. Respectfully… respectfully, you’re terrible. You have a world-class showman standing right in front of you. And you’re gonna pass on that?”

25. “You look like a ferret that gave up on himself six months ago.”

Elrich Bachman
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26. “Can you imagine what kind of shitshow this one’s gonna be? He says that she has an Amy Winehouse vibe. What does that mean? All tatted up and nowhere to go?”

27. “Jian-Yang. Motherfuck. I gave you the ability to spin gold, and instead, you’ve spun pubic hair with shit in it, and gravel and corn…”

28. “I just figured it out — it all makes sense. Why Tara might be into you more than me: she’s attracted to ugliness. Think about it: this is the life she chooses. She’s attracted to unattractiveness. Look at all these ugly people. And Gilfoyle, and now you… By no metric could you possibly be considered more attractive than me.”

29. “Don’t touch anything. Failure is contagious.”

30. “I’m not a racist, all right? I watch a lot of black porn. I mean, a lot.”

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If you’re a fan of How I Met Your Mother, feel free to read my post featuring funny Barney Stinson quotes.

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