30 Funny Chris Rock Quotes

Chris Rock was born in 1965 in South Carolina in the United States. He’s a comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer, film producer and director by profession.He might have been born in South Carolina, but Chris Rock’s family moved to New York just after he was born. He grew up in Brooklyn. He made his film debut in 1987 when he played a Playboy Mansion parking valet in Beverly Hills Cop II.

Since then he’s become wildly famous for his stand-up comedy routines and his roles in various other movies and television shows. He was voted in the US as the 5th greatest stand-up comedian of all time by Comedy Central. He was voted in the United Kingdom as the 9 th greatest stand-up comedian on Channel 4’s 100 Greatest Stand-Ups (in 2007) and again in the updated 2010 list as the 8th greatest stand-up comedian. His subject matter typically involves family, politics, romance, music, class relationships and race relations in the United States. He’s one of the funniest comedians to ever walk this earth (in my opinion).

Chris Rock

Here are 30 Funny Chris Rock Quotes

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?”

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

“Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.”

“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”

“You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” Niggas will say “I would blow your f***** head off–if I could afford it! I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man!. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway!”

“A man is only as faithful as his options.”

“Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.”

“If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”

“Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!”

“Aw, man, they gave ’em the Oscar on stage. Next they’re gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It’ll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.”

“Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.”

“I’ve never seen stunt casting that’s actually funny: ‘Oh, it’s Shaq,’ and then there’s some horrible excuse for him to dunk, … It’s, like, ‘We got a famous guy, and he’s gonna be famous tonight’ — and it sucks!”

“We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!”

“So you gotta look at OJ’s situation. He’s paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… but I understand.”

“It’s hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.”

“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn’t pay for the electricity, he’d pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”

“I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.”

“Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!'”

“The government hates rap. That’s why they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line when it’s a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.”

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

“Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.”

“Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*****’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!'”

“I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.”

“A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”

“I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.”

“I`m a nerd. I`m a little guy…the last guy you`d expect in a romantic movie.”

“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.”

“Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.”

“George Bush hates midgets.”

“Women would rule the world – if only they`d stop bitchin` about each other.”

Hope you’ve found these quotes funny and that they’ve made your day. Feel free to comment on this article, feedback is appreciated and welcome here.

Watch this space for regular updates in the Humor category on Running Wolf’s Rant.

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Henno Kruger

Blogger, Desktop Activist, Twitter / Facebook Addict, Music Festival Addict, Avid lover of South African music, Founder and owner of Running Wolf's Rant

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