Today I’m featuring a collection of Jack Whitehall quotes. This accomplished television presenter, actor and writer is one of my favourite stand up comedians from the UK.

Jack Whitehall was born in 1988 in Central London. He made his UK TV debut in 1993 when he appeared in the Drama series, The Good Guys.

Whitehall has appeared in television shows like Fresh Meat and Bad Education. He was a regular panelist on A League Of Their Own and has appeared in Netflix’s Documentary / Comedy series Jack Whitehall: Travels with My Father. Whitehall also hosted the 2018 Brit Awards. On top of all of this, he has also won awards for his stand up comedy.

Having a bad day? These 11 Funny Jack Whitehall Quotes will improve your mood

1. “I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.”

2. “People say you learn from your mistakes. That’s bullocks – we stumble through life making the same mistakes. We just get better at dealing with the fallout.”

3. “I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.”

4. “I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.”

5. “This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.”

6. “The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!”

7. “Where does the iPhone get its vocabulary? I wish it would stop jumping to conclusions, nobody fucking talks like that. It doesn’t matter what you put into the bloody thing, you’re like ‘a…n’. ‘Did you mean androgynous?’ No, I meant ‘and’.”

8. “I love Downton Abbey. It’s just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn’t such a tragic ending.”

9. “In life there are two types of people. Those who go to the shops in pyjama bottoms and flip flops and people who aren’t tools.”

10. “I did a bit of charity work once on my gap year. I went and did a bit of volunteer work in a special needs school for children. Just playing games with them, football, tennis. And it does genuinely make you feel really good inside… because you always win.”

11. “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”

Well, there you have 11 Funny Jack Whitehall quotes. If you have  a funny quote from him that I didn’t mention here, post it in the comment section below.

Feel free to share these quotes with your friends and watch this space for updates in the Humor category on Running Wolf’s Rant.