101 Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians

Next up is another stand-up comedian that I really like, Lewis Black

21. “Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”


22. “Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

23. “In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.”

24. “If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”

25. “Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.”

Lewis Black - Stand-up Comedian

26. “If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.”

27. “If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.”

28. “I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”

29. “I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house and it’s 30 below. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.”

30. “If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Next up is South African Comedian Trevor Noah (who is currently hosting The Daily Show on Comedy Central in the USA)

31. “When your current Facebook location is London. Your school is Harvard University and you work at MTN, South Africa. Your tweet is always from Malaysia but your real location is somewhere in Limpopo…. And still you want God to locate you this year. My dear, where do you want Him to start from?”

32. “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”

33. “If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”

34. “People get fooled by Jacob Zuma. He’s got like… a cute vibe, he’s giggling all the time – he he he he. Zuma is a master tactician. He’s the guy who was head of intelligence for the ANC during the struggle. He also started the chess team on Robben Island! That’s why he’s so good at moving his cabinet around. Donald Trump is not like that. Ask Zuma anything about policy, and that guy will rattle it all off. Trump has no clue about any policy whatsoever. In fact, when Donald answers a question he has no idea about, you can tell; he starts answering like he’s a contestant in one of his own beauty pageants!”

35. “If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”

Trevor Noah - Stand-up Comedian

36. “Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”

37. “Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”

38. “Flying has been particularly stressful for me in the recent months. Flying into America has been the worst. You go through different lines, there’s extra checks. Especially if you come from what they consider a high-risk Ebola region, which apparently is the whole continent – we’re all coughing on each other in one big hut.”

39. “The credits from the second Godfather are better than Godfather III.”

40. “Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they’ve benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they’ve gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they’ve passed away, right? It’s at the end. We can call it the “Rest in Peace Prize.” Then we know you’re not gonna surprise us, you’re not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave.”

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Henno Kruger

Blogger, Desktop Activist, Twitter / Facebook Addict, Music Festival Addict, Avid lover of South African music, Founder and owner of Running Wolf's Rant

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