When will we see the Twilight of 50 Shades of Kak?

We live in a time of excess. Food, clothing, media, books, magazines. Everything there is out to get you and unfortunately quality isn’t the order of the day anymore. Excellence has been replaced by those who have the financial means to power the marketing machine. This means that we lose. Quality is sacrificed for quantity by those who have the power to make us think that they know better.

What does this mean? It means that bored people now have the time to do shit they would never have been able to do in the past. A lonely housewife can now write an entire novel about her crappy sexual fantasies and sell it to the world as literature. An insecure pseudo-lesbian can turn her silly imaginings into a series of films that gross millions of dollars world wide and expect people to believe that she is as good a writer as Jane Austin was.

Do not get me wrong. There are men out there who write books, scripts and articles that are just as disgustingly horrible but they haven’t gotten as much attention in the past couple of years. I am a massive fan of good literature. I have no sexual preference when it comes to writers. I only have a problem with bad writing.

So if you still haven’t realized what I’m ranting about, it is of course, Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey. I was in the gym cycling this morning and browsing through the news as I normally do when I saw that that the cast for the film adaptation for 50 Shades had been announced. Do I have a problem with books being adapted for screen? No. Do I have a problem with absolute horse piss to be put on screen? Yes.

50 Shades of Fucking a Self-Loathing, Abusive, Piece of Shit will be just as bad as that series of movies about that retarded fairy who is dead and needs blood to survive, but doesn’t drink human blood, because he likes humans and is 400 years old or something yet acts like a 13 year old, then has a dead but alive baby with his teenage crush, who is also emotionally unstable, so she also turns into a vampire then the big emperor vampire (who I think is the Pope?) gets angry and even though they hate one another, the werewolves fight alongside the fairy’s girlfriend because the werewolf is so deep in the friend-zone that he might as well direct his hormonal teen-wolf angst at the Catholic Church and then there is a big fight in a forest and oh, of course I forgot.. NO ONE WITH AN IQ WORTH MENTIONING GIVES A SHIT!

But to get back to 50 Shade of Grey. Here is my review, and I can promise you the film will not be much different so it will still be applicable when that horrible waste of cinematic reel is released..

50 shades of Grey is terrible. The writing terrible. The characters are hollow and unoriginal. Which is maybe why so many people can draw associations to these literary excuses for cutting down trees. Christian Grey isn’t a good person. He has a big schlong, good looks and money but so what? Ana Steele is a naive woman who thinks that if she lets a man do to her whatever he wants, when he wants she will eventually be able to shine a light on his emotional side which is covered by a darkness caused by years of internal turmoil and probably a dad who touched him in his naughty place, or “down there” as the the book states..

The plot is extremely thin and yet what bothers me the most is that there is still a plot! The core message of these books are that given enough time you can change someone. Even if they are basically a worthless, abusive, piece of shit, who is only occasionally loving, yet insists on ripping out your tampon to have sex with you.. (Yes, ladies, it is in the book.. I know, I read it.. I had to.. I almost blinded myself, but I had to.. You don’t write a review one something you haven’t read..) Not only does this terrible account of a lonely woman’s longings insist on trying to give form to hollow characters and a thin story, the author, E.L. James also tries to do so with questionable themes. She might not have realized this at the time, but she did. Now you might ask me.. “Kobus, what then is the central theme of this book/series?” The answer my friends, is rape. Abuse comes in hot on rape’s heels at number two.

Are these really the themes that we want authors to show us in a positive light? Should women be encouraged to sustain abusive relationships because of the possibility that a man might change his ways for them? Should we postulate a sense of submissiveness to men? The answer is of course, a resounding no. If you think otherwise, you might have to take a look at your self-worth.. I ask myself, “When will all this end?”, “When will people realize that they are reading and watching pseudo-intellectual horse poop?” The answer is “Not soon” (unfortunately).

But there is something we can do. Say no. Don’t fall into the trap of the marketing machine. Go back and teach your kids what real literature is. If they ask for a book on fairies, elves, dwarves and dragons, give them The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings to read. If they want vampires, sex and gore refer them to Anne Rice. If they want to experience real angst and horror prop a Stephen King novel in their hands. There are so many great authors out there. Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Terry Brooks and these are but a few of the modern ones. You still have the great masters of the past centuries left. Shakespeare, Fitzgerald, Austin etc. – There is no excuse.

Now go forth and burn a copy of that horrible book I was ranting about.

Do you agree or disagree with me? Leave a comment and let me know. Feedback is appreciated and welcome on Running Wolf’s Rant. Also watch this space for regular updates in the Opinion category.