101 Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians

Stand-up Comedians have been around for a long time. Stand-up comedy as an art form has its origin in classic Parrhesia (in ancient Greece) in 400 BC. It was used for cynics and epicureans in order to tell the reality without censorship.

In the 16th and 17th Century Chakyar koothu was very popular in two Indian states (Trivandrum and southern Kerala). It had all the attributes of modern stand-up comedy. It’s widely considered to be the oldest known staged comedy act anywhere in the world.

Modern Stand-up Comedy has been wedging itself into popular culture throughout the 18th, 19th and 20th Century and it’s become an integral part of modern society as we know it. Stand-up Comedians remind us not to take life too seriously. They comment on politics and other topics and give us their take on reality.

Here are 101 Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians to brighten up your day

Let’s start with one of my favourite stand-up comedians, George Carlin

1. “I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

2.“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

3. “I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

4. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

5. “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

6. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

7. “If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

8. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

9. “If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

10. “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

Next up is stand-up comedian turned actor, Chris Rock

11. “A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.”

12. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”

13. “Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.”

14. “Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”

15. “I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”

16. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.”

17. “Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”

18. “Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don’t like gays? You’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with Livin’ La Vida Loca!”

19. “I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.”

20. “Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

Next up is another stand-up comedian that I really like, Lewis Black

21. “Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.”

22. “Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?”

23. “In my lifetime, we’ve gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We’ve gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we’ll be voting for plants.”

24. “If you’re working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That’s why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”

25. “Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.”

26. “If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.”

27. “If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they’re showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You’re better off coming back as a lobster.”

28. “I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, ‘fuck’ isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.”

29. “I’d rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You’re sitting essentially in an out house and it’s 30 below. You’ve cut a hole in the ice, and you’re fishing for fish that you shouldn’t eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.”

30. “If you don’t drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Next up is South African Comedian Trevor Noah (who is currently hosting The Daily Show on Comedy Central in the USA)

31. “When your current Facebook location is London. Your school is Harvard University and you work at MTN, South Africa. Your tweet is always from Malaysia but your real location is somewhere in Limpopo…. And still you want God to locate you this year. My dear, where do you want Him to start from?”

32. “When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”

33. “If he dated you for more than 3 years, slept with you countless times & now he’s asking for a break up, break his neck. God will understand.”

34. “People get fooled by Jacob Zuma. He’s got like… a cute vibe, he’s giggling all the time – he he he he. Zuma is a master tactician. He’s the guy who was head of intelligence for the ANC during the struggle. He also started the chess team on Robben Island! That’s why he’s so good at moving his cabinet around. Donald Trump is not like that. Ask Zuma anything about policy, and that guy will rattle it all off. Trump has no clue about any policy whatsoever. In fact, when Donald answers a question he has no idea about, you can tell; he starts answering like he’s a contestant in one of his own beauty pageants!”

35. “If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”

36. “Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don’t blame Bruce Jenner at all.”

37. “Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”

38. “Flying has been particularly stressful for me in the recent months. Flying into America has been the worst. You go through different lines, there’s extra checks. Especially if you come from what they consider a high-risk Ebola region, which apparently is the whole continent – we’re all coughing on each other in one big hut.”

39. “The credits from the second Godfather are better than Godfather III.”

40. “Maybe we need to change who gets the Nobel Peace Prize, and when. Because so many people have won the prize and they’ve benefitted from all of its prestige, and then they’ve gone on to not be peaceful. Like, maybe we should only give the Nobel Peace Prize to people after their career is over and they’ve passed away, right? It’s at the end. We can call it the “Rest in Peace Prize.” Then we know you’re not gonna surprise us, you’re not gonna hurt anyone. Unless someone trips on your grave.”

Here are some quotes from the late and great Bill Hicks

41. “They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.”

42. “If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them.”

43. “I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin’ mouth.”

44. “If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.”

45. “The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”

46. “Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?”

47. “One of my big fears in life is that I’m gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I’ve been adding on to for years.”

48. “I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”

49. “Wouldn’t you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition? Perhaps? Wouldn’t that be interesting? Just for once? ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration – that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.'”

50. “It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Next up are are some quotes from British Stand-up Comedian Eddie Izzard

51. “If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”

52. “Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. ‘In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal…one horse threw a shoe came in third…the duck was ninth…and five ran.'”

53. “I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

54. “I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.”

55. “If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!”

56. “And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.”

57. “There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!”

58. “So I’ve learnt that the world is 4500 million years old. If you’re very religious, then it’s not 4500 million years old, it’s 6000 years old. One of these is not correct.”

59. “Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”

60. “I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in beeees!”

Next up are quotes from the legendary Robin Williams

61. “Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”

62. “Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

63. “If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

64. “Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”

65. “Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn’t work!”

66. “If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

67. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

68. “Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: ‘You’ve just killed a small animal. It’s time for a light beer.’ Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, ‘It’s five o’clock in the morning. You’ve just pissed on a dumpster. It’s Miller time.'”

69. “I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”

70. “I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was… a large Arctic region covered with ice.”

Here are some quotes from the one-liner joke king Rodney Dangerfield

71. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

72. “My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles”

73. “I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”

74. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”

75. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

76. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

77. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

78. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.”

79. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

80. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

Next up is a bunch of quotes from Dylan Moran (who is well-known for his role as Bernard Black in television’s Black Books).

81. “What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.”

82. “I can’t swim. I can’t drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

83. “I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”

84. “It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.”

85. “I’m actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.”

86. “I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.”

87. “I’m a vegetarian, well I’m not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables on a personal level so I’m not too good!”

88. “I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.”

89. “It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you’re actually a doctor working at an incubator.”

90. “You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.”

And last but not least, he are some quotes from Frankie Boyle

91. “Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!”

92. “Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.”

93. “I think that should be the anti – speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

94. “Don’t you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”

95. “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why can’t he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.”

96. “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.”

97. “Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That’s probably how David knows that there’s a World Cup coming up.”

98. “I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I’m fucking havin that!'”

99. “As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.”

100. “In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.”

101. “When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”

Well, there you have it, 101 Funny Quotes from Stand-up Comedians. I hope that at least one of them made you laugh (or at least smile).

Do you have any quotes from Stand-up Comedians that you want to share? Leave a comment below and share it with us.

Watch this space for regular updates in the Humor category on Running Wolf’s Rant.