Be a nice fuckable guy

I’m very quick to take on most things people ask of me. When Henno asked me to be a regular contributor I was like ‘Fuck yes’! Last week Henno very politely asked me if I’ll write something again, and at that moment I remembered “Oh ja, another thing I said yes to and just forgot about.” – like most other things in my life.

I have made a full THREE contributions! It’s not difficult to figure out what I like writing about or how twisted my sense of humor is. So, with being dumped AGAIN at RAMfest, instead of reading what a great time you could have had at RAMfest if you were single (I didn’t) let’s rather focus on a read, related to something that I promised as a follow-up in my previous post.

You’ve had a terrible day. Someone’s dick was pushing up in your back on your way home in the train, your heel broke and you had a fat day. You just want to go home to your cats or that perfect someone waiting for you. I have cats. BUT, if you find yourself reading this, and have someone in mind (or pants) for some lovin’, here is how to be perfect at it.

A lot of girls have a weirdly compiled list in our mind of what we think we want in a boy/man/sperm donor. It’s complicated. Has a lot of unnecessary kak. Doesn’t make sense on a good day and changes constantly. In truth, we are like consumers, the more choices/options we have the more our hamster’s little wheels spins until it goes so fast that you break your neck when you try getting off.

So, to put it simply, if you have a penis, and are still single, maybe you should try some textbook rules how to be a nice, fuckable guy. If you have boobs and still feel like the only sausage you’re getting is the one in your lunch hot dog, stop being a picky little shit and focus on what’s really important.

You lack confidence and your jokes are kak

I’ve said it before and will keep on saying it till end of days. Confidence closes. Whether you like sport, are in a band or act all Nacho Libre, it doesn’t mean jack shit to me. We sense confidence, and we like it. Confidence and wittiness goes hand-in hand. There is nothing more off putting than a man that sobs and walks like he has the world’s sadness on his shoulders. It wasn’t working for you before so stop it. Confidence, a few funnies with a bit of narcissism and I’ll take off my own pants.

Oh, you’ve noticed I’m allergic to peanuts

It doesn’t take much to know what we like and what we dislike. Yes, girls are completely and utterly full of shit, but we are also very quick to say if something pisses us off. Be thoughtful and make mental notes of the small things. For instance I’m going to value the honde pis bossie that you picked alongside the road a lot more than the bunch of red roses you had someone else deliver to my work. Do I even like roses? Small seemingly insignificant gestures makes us melt. Melting leads to something be wet… Get it. Got it. Good.

Yes, your mother is a control freak

Honesty. It’s hard. It’s nasty. But it is the best policy. I realise it’s difficult to tell someone that you care for that you fucked up, but let’s get real for a moment. Have you ever done something and it stayed quiet and unknown? I’ve learned my lesson with this time and again, unfortunately, but lies, even small ones only stay quiet if you live alone like a troll. Be the person who can own up to your kak, or be the person who doesn’t cause kak. Your significant other doesn’t need to know all your down and dirties, but when it has a direct implication on your relationship it’s better just to be open about it when asked. Mostly, people ask direct questions because they already know the answer.

You’re wearing a long shirt?

Last week someone asked me whether I like the so called “Pretty boys” or “The man’s man”? I immediately thought of a silly joke “It takes a man to fuck a man”. When my chuckle ended I answered both. Be the man I need you to be. Hang my pictures, help me cat-proof my house. Know how to use tools. But also please look like something I would like to have sex with sometime, somewhere. Clip your nails. Shower. Wear shoes in public. You don’t need to be a walking, talking billboard for Metrosexual men, but basic hygiene and style would be awesome!

I FUCKING LOVE THIS AD!

Try and be passionate about something. Even if it’s just one thing. It shows that you have the ability to be successful, and the will to make something of yourself. We don’t need to be passionate about the same things, but you do need to have ONE thing you love (besides me).

You’re sick and twisted. Let’s get it on.

This point is a two-in-one. Make me laugh and you can make me do almost anything. There are few things I love as much as a boy that can make me laugh, BUT also appreciates my slightly off sense of humour. It’s important for a variety of reasons. You need to cheer me up if you made me unhappy. Laughter is needed in some awkward situations – one time by boyfriend had a small poop in my bed. I have never laughed as much as I did that night. Best shit ever, literally. Also, you can’t have a good time with someone who isn’t fun. You don’t need to force jokes (or your poop), but general witty with an added joke or 6 and it’s A for away.

Each girl has one or two other things that are really important to them. Perhaps it’s religion, maybe it’s that you can live with her knowing she has webbed toes.

Mine is being kind hearted. Especially to animals. Everyone with a heart loves animals. It says a fuckload of a person who will do something for someone who can’t necessarily help him back, get him more money or a better job. And even if that is the only thing going for you, your more than halfway through (in my books) buddy!

I’m always first to kots at the sight of relationship gayness, especially in public. I don’t care for you, I don’t want to see you loving each other. I have however realised that a certain amount of gay caring goes a long way. So if you are feeling the need for some kind of affection, narrow down your list girls and up the funnies boys. Keep it behind closed doors though, some of us really has a bad gag reflex.

Enjoy each and every one of my New Girl pictures I inserted according to my mood when I was writing this article and remember to leave a comment. Tell me I helped. I suck or what tickles your fancy so that we can all get along. I’d like to know if you agree or disagree with my advice on how to be a fuckable guy.  Plain and simple.